Avoiding Power Struggles with Teens

Part I – “Because I Said So”

Power struggles occur in all kinds of relationships: family members, significant others, even co-workers. But for this short series, I am going to focus specifically on the parent/teen relationships and their power struggle dynamics. So first, let us learn more about what a power struggle is and its effects on the parent/teen relationships.  

 

---

I will start with an example (Name, age, and situation has been redacted/ changed to protect identity):

Single Mom and Teen, a 15-year-old girl, sit in the office across from me. It’s their 2^nd session in, and they are arguing back and forth like I’m not even in the room.  

Mom is telling Teen, for what feels like the 1,000^th time to the teen, why Teen isn’t allowed to do X, Y, or Z this week even though all her friends are going. Teen is complaining, arguing, and rolling her eyes. She is giving every reason she can think of for why it would be ok for her to go.

Teen: “Why can’t you just let me live my life my way?”

Mom: “Because I said so. Trust me; I am doing this for you, not to you”

Teen: “You’re so mean! You don’t understand me! I don’t care; I’m going. You can’t stop me.”

Both turn and stare expectantly at me as if I am to tell them they are right and the other one is wrong.

Mom feels justified as she is establishing her role as the authority/the parent and trying to show Teen that she does know what it is like and doesn’t want Teen to fall into the same traps/setbacks she did when she was a teen.

Teen only hears mom dictating her life. She feels trapped, alienated, and justified in not following orders because she is old enough to make her own decisions.

 

---

 

The battle of wills has started, and that, my friend, is a classic parent/teen power struggle. So what exactly is a power struggle? It is a relationship dynamic where one person tries to exert their “power” or influence over another, who thus pushes back and tries to overpower the original. Think of it as kind of a tug-of-war over decision-making power.

Parents – an important thing to remember is that power struggles with teens are never a
positive thing. They create distance and hostility. If you win by rigidly holding your ground or overpowering your teen, you lose. Your “winning” can create teens who do not feel understood, supported, or protected by their parents. They feel powerless. Teens who feel powerless will often seek other outlets to gain power.

This can look like many different things: from defiance and non compliance, to belittling others around them, bullying, even engaging in risk-taking behaviors such as experimenting with drugs, alcohol, sex, running away, or self-harming behaviors.

 

---

 

The best course of action is to not get pulled into your teen’s attempts at engaging in power struggles. Remember, it takes two people for a power struggle to occur.  

Tips on Avoiding Power Struggles with Teens

• Model Calmness – Taking a minute to self-regulate will made a big difference.Anger creates anger. Calm creates calm. If you find yourself getting worked up during a discussion with your teen, take a time-out for a breather and to re-regulate back to calm.

• Remain Neutral – If a decision is not immediately needed, remain neutral and let them know you will consider it. Actually consider it, learn more about situation, and ask questions to show them you are being objective.

• Help Teen Problem Solve – Help them think of both sides of the argument and the reasons why you might answer differently than they want.

• Ignore Minor Behaviors – Pick and choose your battles. It is more important to help them regulate their emotions when dealing with disappointment than to reprimand and punish minor behaviors. If they need help managing disappointment, you can deflect, distract, or use humor. Know that some teens just need some space. You know your teen the best.

---

 

I know what you’re probably thinking, and I agree – this is easier said than done. It takes work. It takes practice. It takes self control. It takes patience. It sometimes takes a professional to help you, the parent, work through negative patterns with your teen that have been established to create better, healthier ways of communicating.

Stay tuned this week to continue to learn more tips and strategies in dealing with Teen Power Struggles. In the next part of our series, Part II “Let’s get Creative”, Putting Solutions Before the Problem, we will look at how to work with your teen on finding positive ways that their thoughts and actions can count. Until then…

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

Lori Torres is a Marriage and Family Therapist who has worked with teens and their families for over five years. Do you want to work on your relationships with your teen? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping you create happier, healthier ways to communicate.

 980-349-8119

 

---

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES | 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211

PH: 980-349-8119