Avoiding Power Struggles with Teens
Part II – Solutions Before Problems
Have you ever heard the saying “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”? Benjamin Franklin is quoted to have said this in reference to the small amount of effort it takes to prevent something from becoming much bigger than it really is.
This is also true with teens. In Part I of this series, “Because I Said So” we explored what a power struggle is and learned a few tips on how to avoid them. Now in Part II, we explore parenting strategies of creating solutions and preventing power struggles from even getting started.
As a parent, our goal is to raise responsible adults who contribute positively towards society. A vital step in this process is understanding the importance of a teenager’s developmental needs during the teen years.
It is often said that children will sometimes act out more so because they want parents to be better parents. Developmentally, children need and want predictability and structure. To a child, structure equals safety. This is not always the case for teens. Many teens act out because they feel powerless during a time that they, developmentally, should be growing independence and autonomy.
Despite whether their parents are ready or not, a teenager is growing into a young adult. They are starting to become the parent’s equal in their abilities to “live their own life” and make their own decisions. The teenage years should be the “training wheel” years, for they will not always make the best choices. However, this is part of the growing up process. These “training wheel” years are right before becoming 100% self-reliant and are the perfect time for them to put into practice what they have learned with guided suggestions and healthy limits provided by their parents.
Empower your teen to problem solve, to be responsible, and to be held accountable for their own decisions. Help them find better ways for their thoughts and actions to contribute; help them know that their opinions matter, before it turns into the power struggle.
Build Resiliency Through Confidence
Confidence can be a powerful tool to a teenager. Building their confidence builds their resiliency, or ability to bounce back when things do not go their way. An easy way to build confidence is to recognize their skills and strengths. Give genuine praise for these skills and create opportunities for them to use their skills. Let them teach you something new or learn something new together with your teen.
Other resiliency skills that you can teach your teen include humility and grace. This can be done by admitting when you make a mistake and apologizing for wrong doings. Modeling this behavior, as well as demonstrating general positive social skills and how to treat others, will assist in showing your teen that adults are not perfect. By making yourself more “normal”, showing your flaws, and being less “perfect”, you make the idea of being an adult seem more attainable for your teenager.
Provide Healthy Limits
The last tip for today in avoiding power struggles: adults need to learn how to pick and choose battles with their teens. Again, part of growing up for a teen is learning to take responsibility for themselves and being held accountable for their actions. If they are never presented with the opportunities to make their own decisions, regardless if the outcome is positive or negative, they will never learn from their own mistakes.
Teachable moments for teens do not come at convenient times. On the contrary, they most likely will occur at the most inopportune times. You intervening and providing redirection needs to come at the right time, right place, and with the right message to be fully received and understood by your teen. In emergency situations, where they are putting their lives and/or others at risk, it calls for your immediate intervention and redirection.
For non-emergency situations, the best time for you to provide redirection or constructive feedback without further incident is when you have their full attention and can talk about the situation freely. When they are in front of their friends or distracted by a favorite game or show is not the best time as it can be an invitation for arguing and power struggle from the teen. Car rides are a great time to have your teen put away the phone and have a conversation with you. Car rides are less intimidating. You are not facing them head-on, so they are likely to be more open and get less reactive or defensive.
When setting limits, knowing when to step in and when give them a chance to practice is hardest for parent. A parent does not always “save their teen”. Sometimes by letting things play out as they will, even if there is a foreseeable negative consequence, might be the best course of a teachable moment. It might not always be possible to take this route, but if you are able experience it; it is one of the best teachers. Some of the best life lessons come with letting natural and logical consequence. Now is the time for teens to practice decision making, while under supervision and having someone to guide them when the outcomes are not so positive.
Obviously, this does not mean let them go risk their lives and play in traffic. But there are some things that parents can give a child leeway on: Hair styles and dyes, make-up, friends, and certain outings. Important questions to ask yourself as a parent: Is it harmful to them? Is it harmful to others? Will it impair their abilities to function at home, community, or school? If the answer is no, it might be something that you can allow your child to start making their own decisions on.
Does No Really Mean No?
Instead of saying “No”, first try to offer alternatives of your own choosing. Offering alternatives helps you get creative and stop a power struggle before it even starts. The choices are already parent approved, as you are the one giving the choices. However, think about the choices that you are giving. You need to realize that you must follow through on the choices given. Do not give your teenager the choice of either calming down or leaving immediately if you do not plan on following through and leaving. 
If you need to enforce a “No”, it is important that you stick to the “No” and that all parents in the household are on board. If appropriate, remind teens that a “No” does not have to mean “No” forever. It might only be a “No” for right now. As the teenager matures and develops good decision making skills, parents can give them opportunities to gain more responsibility and accountability.
If you find yourself in a power struggle, remember that a solution does not always have to be a Win- Lose situation. In the next edition, we will further discuss using communication to create Win-Win for both you and your teen. Until then…
Best Wishes,
Lori Torres, LMFT
Lori Torres is a Marriage and Family Therapist who has worked with teens and their families for over five years. Do you want to work on your relationships with your teen? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping you create happier, healthier ways to communicate.
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