Tag Archives: Stress Management

Avoiding Power Struggles with Teens Part II

Posted on by under Family/ Parenting, Teen

Part II

Avoiding Power Struggles with Teens

Part II – Solutions Before Problems

Have you ever heard the saying “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”?  Benjamin Franklin is quoted to have said this in reference to the small amount of effort it takes to prevent something from becoming much bigger than it really is.

This is also true with teens. In Part I of this series, “Because I Said So” we explored what a power struggle is and learned a few tips on how to avoid them.  Now in Part II, we explore parenting strategies of creating solutions and preventing power struggles from even getting started.

As a parent, our goal is to raise responsible adults who contribute positively towards society.  A vital step in this process is understanding the importance of a teenager’s developmental needs during the teen years.Father Teen Pixabay

It is often said that children will sometimes act out more so because they want parents to be better parents. Developmentally, children need and want predictability and structure. To a child, structure equals safety. This is not always the case for teens. Many teens act out because they feel powerless during a time that they, developmentally, should be growing independence and autonomy.

Despite whether their parents are ready or not, a teenager is growing into a young adult. They are starting to become the parent’s equal in their abilities to “live their own life” and make their own decisions. The teenage years should be the “training wheel” years, for they will not always make the best choices. However, this is part of the growing up process. These “training wheel” years are right before becoming 100% self-reliant and are the perfect time for them to put into practice what they have learned with guided suggestions and healthy limits provided by their parents.

Empower your teen to problem solve, to be responsible, and to be held accountable for their own decisions. Help them find better ways for their thoughts and actions to contribute; help them know that their opinions matter, before it turns into the power struggle.

 Build Resiliency Through Confidence

 Confidence can be a powerful tool to a teenager. Building their confidence builds their resiliency, or ability to bounce back when things do not go their way. An easy way to build confidence is to recognize their skills and strengths. Give genuine praise for these skills and create opportunities for them to use their skills. Let them teach you something new or learn something new together with your teen.

Other resiliency skills that you can teach your teen include humility and grace. This can be done by admitting when you make a mistake and apologizing for wrong doings. Modeling this behavior, as well as demonstrating general positive social skills and how to treat others, will assist in showing your teen that adults are not perfect. By making yourself more “normal”, showing your flaws, and being less “perfect”, you make the idea of being an adult seem more attainable for your teenager.

Provide Healthy Limits

 The last tip for today in avoiding power struggles: adults need to learn how to pick and choose battles with their teens. Again, part of growing up for a teen is learning to take responsibility for themselves and being held accountable for their actions. If they are never presented with the opportunities to make their own decisions, regardless if the outcome is positive or negative, they will never learn from their own mistakes.

Teen Girl-Unsplash

Teachable moments for teens do not come at convenient times. On the contrary, they most likely will occur at the most inopportune times.  You intervening and providing redirection needs to come at the right time, right place, and with the right message to be fully received and understood by your teen. In emergency situations, where they are putting their lives and/or others at risk, it calls for your immediate intervention and redirection.

For non-emergency situations, the best time for you to provide redirection or constructive feedback without further incident is when you have their full attention and can talk about the situation freely. When they are in front of their friends or distracted by a favorite game or show is not the best time as it can be an invitation for arguing and power struggle from the teen. Car rides are a great time to have your teen put away the phone and have a conversation with you. Car rides are less intimidating. You are not facing them head-on, so they are likely to be more open and get less reactive or defensive.

When setting limits, knowing when to step in and when give them a chance to practice is hardest for parent. A parent does not always “save their teen”. Sometimes by letting things play out as they will, even if there is a foreseeable negative consequence, might be the best course of a teachable moment. It might not always be possible to take this route, but if you are able experience it; it is one of the best teachers. Some of the best life lessons come with letting natural and logical consequence.  Now is the time for teens to practice decision making, while under supervision and having someone to guide them when the outcomes are not so positive.

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Obviously, this does not mean let them go risk their lives and play in traffic. But there are some things that parents can give a child leeway on: Hair styles and dyes, make-up, friends, and certain outings. Important questions to ask yourself as a parent: Is it harmful to them? Is it harmful to others? Will it impair their abilities to function at home, community, or school? If the answer is no, it might be something that you can allow your child to start making their own decisions on.

Does No Really Mean No?

 Instead of saying “No”, first try to offer alternatives of your own choosing. Offering alternatives helps you get creative and stop a power struggle before it even starts. The choices are already parent approved, as you are the one giving the choices.  However, think about the choices that you are giving. You need to realize that you must follow through on the choices given. Do not give your teenager the choice of either calming down or leaving immediately if you do not plan on following through and leaving.                                                  teen-girl

If you need to enforce a “No”, it is important that you stick to the “No” and that all parents in the household are on board.  If appropriate, remind teens that a “No” does not have to mean “No” forever. It might only be a “No” for right now. As the teenager matures and develops good decision making skills, parents can give them opportunities to gain more responsibility and accountability.

If you find yourself in a power struggle, remember that a solution does not always have to be a Win- Lose situation. In the next edition, we will further discuss using communication to create Win-Win for both you and your teen. Until then…

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

Part II

Lori Torres is a Marriage and Family Therapist who has worked with teens and their families for over five years. Do you want to work on your relationships with your teen? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping you create happier, healthier ways to communicate.

980-349-8119

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES | 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211

PH: 980-349-8119

The Teen Years: A Roller Coaster of Emotions

Posted on by under Family/ Parenting, Teen

teenswing

What is typical teen behavior anyways?

Being a teenager is rough. Parenting a teenager is rough too. I have yet to meet a parent who was “fully” prepared for the teen years. You can read up, learn from others’ experiences, etc., but until you experience it with your own teen, there is no amount of prep that will get you fully ready. Typically, teen years are hands down the hardest years, and each generation of teen has their own challenges. Ask any adult, and they most likely will have a story about their teen years and the struggles they went through.

teen-girlThere are a lot of expectations of teens these days. Expectations of success are even higher now than for teens of previous generations. There is a need to excel in advanced topics of science, technology, and mathematics, as well as being well-rounded individuals with other varied interests. On top of all of that, the expectations to think and act like the “adults” they are becoming. Children and teens have the innate desire to make the people they care about happy, and they thus internalize these expectations. Unhealthy thought patterns may begin to emerge, such as, “No one understands me,” “Things never go my way,” or, “I can’t do anything right.” Teens also experience the Tidal Wave of Emotions that accompanies their developmental changes.

When your teen is struggling with the Tidal Wave of Emotions, unhealthy thought patterns, and an inability to clearly communicate their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, this oftentimes leads to family conflicts, problems with school or peers, poor decision making, depression, anxiety, and defiant and disruptive behaviors. This is also the time period when they are at risk of being introduced to drugs, alcohol, sexual activity, and other risk-taking behaviors. All this on top of the typical stressors of transitioning into adulthood and preparing to leave home can be a lot to manage, even for the most prepared teens.

Signs of teens struggling to cope with increased life stressors can include: anxiety, depression, being more irritable that usual, poor school performance, and/or complete avoidance of school.

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When does getting professional help make sense? Here are some things to consider:

  • It is typical for teens to display some mood swings or irritability when stressed, angry, or experiencing big changes like the start of new school year. It is of concern when irritability is pervasive, or ongoing, despite positive events or things in their life.
  • It is typical for teens to increasingly want their space and privacy. It is of concern is when teens completely withdraw and demonstrate poor connections to family, school, and/or peers.
  • It is typical for teen to catch a cold about 4-5 times per year. It is of concern if you notice that your teen has frequent somatic complaints, such as stomachaches, headaches, or not feeling well — that cannot be explained by illness. This can be stress related and a sign of struggling to cope.
  • It is typical for teens to feel overwhelmed. It is of concern when it leads to avoidance of school or other activities they once enjoyed, or making poor decisions that could have serious consequences.

How Therapy Helps Teens therapy-for-teens

Therapy helps by giving teens strategies and techniques to cope with life stressors and learn to “surf” the waves of big emotions, in a safe, private way; away from the eyes of peers and pressures of typical teen life. Therapy can help teens think critically about choices they are making, evaluate their strengths, areas for growth and development, and help empower them to create unique solutions to their own problems.

Therapy can assist teens in practicing and implementing self control by stopping to think about their actions and replacing unhealthy thought patterns with healthier ones. Lastly, therapy can increase their communication skills, which can make them more assertive and improve on their confidence and self-esteem.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have over 5 years experience working with children, adolescents/teens, and their families. In my work with teens, I use systemic theory to guide treatment. In this approach, I recognize that each teen has unique “systems” that surround them, such as family, friends, and other important figures and organizations, which play a significant role in the development teens. I work collaboratively with the teen’s systems to address behaviors, interactional patterns, and ways to support change and positive development. This assists in building stronger relationships with the loved ones in their lives and creating happier, healthier teens.

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

 

Looking for help for your teenager in managing life and teen stressors? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping your family. 980-349-8119

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES | 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211

PH: 980-349-8119

Power of Nature on Big Emotions

Posted on by under Self Care, Therapy

 

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Power of Nature on Big Emotions

Nature is a powerful healing force for mental health concerns. Feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, or angry? Struggling with intrusive or repetitive thoughts? Nature can help ease these emotions and their effects. Unfortunately, it will not completely “cure” these mental health concerns. Oftentimes, treating mental health is a process that requires work, support, and therapy over time.  

Nature offers us a temporary refuge or escape. Nature presents its calming peaceful presence, asking for nothing in return. Nature gives no judgment. Nature provides us with time for reflection. Lastly, Nature leaves us feeling rejuvenated, renewed, re-energized by connecting you to the world around you.

“Nature presents its calming peaceful presence, asking for nothing in return.”

Nature can be amazing on its own, or you can utilize it for a powerful, experiential grounding exercise. Grounding is a helpful technique often used in therapy to bring you into the present, or the “here-and-now”. It works by switching the focus of your brain from internal struggles towards the external environment.  Grounding can be beneficial when working on managing big emotions such as anxiety, depression, anger, or emotional pain.

pace-of-nature-emerson

Nature Physical Grounding Exercise

It this exercise, you will need to place yourself in nature, somewhere that you will feel comfortable. A local park, nature preserve, hiking trail, beach, or even a nice backyard on a pretty day. You will focus your thoughts on becoming attuned to your  5 senses: sight, sound, feel, smell, and taste. You will need to keep your eyes open to stay in touch with the present and your surroundings. You are highly encouraged to walk around a bit and explore, if you feel comfortable.

Start by making a list of what your senses experience. It can be a mental list, no need to write it down.

Sights: Nature provides many gorgeous sights: the green of nature, the deep blue of a clear sky, smiling faces, couples sharing moments, mothers introducing their babies to the world, a lone traveler deep in thought, a driven runner focused and in sync with their rhythm and pace.

Sounds: Wind rustling in the trees and leaves, lapping of waves crashing on the shoreline, occasional song of distant birds, hum of an overhead plane or the constant of traffic on a nearby road, children laughing.

Feel: Warmth of the sun on your face, softness of the blades of grass underneath your feet, feel of sand in between your toes, the crunch of leaves, acorns, and mulch under your shoes.

Smell: Crispness of the fresh air, highly recognizable smell of saltwater at the beach, delicious aroma of a nearby food cart.

 Taste: Savor and enjoy the taste a special snack, piece of candy, or chocolate, or a picnic in the park. Okay, so you may need to plan ahead a bit for taste…unless you want to taste the grass and leaves, but I don’t recommend it! You can leave this step out completely – that is okay too!)

 Pro Tips to make this grounding exercise more effective:

  • Practice makes perfect. The more often you practice, the better you will get at grounding.
  • Practice for longer time periods. While this can be a quick 5-15 minute exercise, try to aim for 25+ minutes if time and comfort levels allow.
  • There is no right or wrong way to practice this exercise. Do not judge yourself during this exercise; this is reverting to internal and not focusing on external.

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While this might not be the right approach for everyone, it is helpful to so many more. If it didn’t work for you, don’t give up! Sometimes the awkwardness of the first time gets in the way. I encourage you to try it once more. Then, if it still doesn’t work, that is okay. Sometime people are not in a “safe place” emotionally for stillness. There are many other strategies, techniques, and tools that may work better. A therapist or counselor can help you identify and put into use alternative coping skills to manage big emotions.

I am speaking from my own personal experiences, my training’s, and my work with my clients. While I am not able to tell you the exact science behind why it works, if you look at art and writings you will see the reoccurring motifs of nature being connected to healing, our emotions, and soul. There is something to be said for what we feel but cannot be described in words.

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

power-of-nature-on-big-emotions

Looking for help in managing your big emotions? Hoping to enhance your life and your relationships? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping you become a happier, healthier you 980-349-8119

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES | 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211
PH: 980-349-8119

 

Recognizing Stress in our Family

Posted on by under Family/ Parenting

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In today’s fast-paced society, pushed to multi-task life, there are many times when we become overwhelmed, frustrated, and less than our better selves.  I am guilty! There have been a few not-so-proud moments of letting my stress take form of some not-so-healthy (or helpful) behaviors in my lifetime. Truth be told, the majority of us are guilty of this, and so are our family members. We are human!

Being able to recognize and understand when we and our family members are stressed are important first steps. Being able to recognize and quickly intervene can help steer ourselves in a different direction and can have the biggest impact on stress reduction.

However, we often do not always recognize stress for what it is. Often times, we dismiss it as anger, bad behaviors/tantrums, sadness, or we minimize what we or others around us are going through and think that we can push through it. Here’s a secret: unless you are a robot, we all have a certain level of stress that we can manage. It’s called our Distress Tolerance Level. Your Mind, Body, and Soul functions can all start to shut down if you exceed your tolerance level for too long.

Signs of stress that we might easily overlook may include:

  • Your son/daughter having a full-blown tantrum in a middle of a store for no reason.
  • A loved one becoming detached, quiet, and very much unlike themselves.
  • Yourself feeling distracted, scattered, and forgetting things you normally would remember.

An easy way to prevent these system overloads is to “reboot” your system before you go into overload! Early intervention is key; here are a few early intervention strategies for your children, your loved ones, and even yourself!mother-and-son

For Your Children – Engage your children into activities with lowered external stimulation. Stimulants for children can be things that get them excited, when they are expected to perform at a certain level (i.e. school tests/ performances), pressure to do well or comply with directives, or do things outside of  their comfort zone. Examples of activities you can engage your children into can include: Taking a walk outside, reading, listening to comforting soothing music (remember soothing, not high energy, which could have the reversed effect of what your looking for).

For Your Loved Ones – Engage your partner in enjoying the current moment.  Take time to share a favorite meal together, watch a favorite movie, take time and enjoy doing a household chore, like doing the dishes or laundry together, or just spend some time chit-chatting reconnecting with them and what is going on in their lives. Be sure your loved one knows why you are doing what you are doing, and do not just go to them mid-task. Be on the same page with them of intent and purpose. Tell them, “I would like to spend some time together. Can I help you with… or lets do…” (Bonus: because both you and your loved one get the stress relieving benefits)

For Your Self – Self Love is one of the most effective holistic treatments of stress and anxiety! Take 5 minutes of your day, go to a mirror, and say kind things about yourself to yourself. For example: “I am Smart! I am Funny! I am Creative!” Or take time to think and reflect on an inspiring song, quote, or prayer that has meant something to you in your life. Or create a list of things that you are looking forward to in your near future!

There are so many ways to reboot your systems; get creative and make it personal to you and your family. One measure of if your intervention is working is if it makes you happy, laugh, or smile.

Also remember, we all have difference levels of distress tolerance. We all have times when we push our limits. Reach out and talk things over with a friend, family member, or seek out a professional for additional help and/or strategies.

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

Call today for a free 15 minute consultation and see if I am the right fit for your therapy needs!  980-349-8119

dad-daughter-bw

 

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES | 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211

PH: 980-349-8119