Tag Archives: Therapy

Avoiding Power Struggles With Teens – Part I

Posted on by under Family/ Parenting, Teen

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Avoiding Power Struggles with Teens

Part I – “Because I Said So”

Power struggles occur in all kinds of relationships: family members,Teen on Computer significant others, even co-workers. But for this short series, I am going to focus specifically on the parent/teen relationships and their power struggle dynamics. So first, let us learn more about what a power struggle is and its effects on the parent/teen relationships.  

 

I will start with an example (Name, age, and situation has been redacted/ changed to protect identity):

Single Mom and Teen, a 15-year-old girl, sit in the office across from me. It’s their 2nd session in, and they are arguing back and forth like I’m not even in the room.  

Mom is telling Teen, for what feels like the 1,000th time to the teen, why Teen isn’t allowed to do X, Y, or Z this week even though all her friends are going. Teen is complaining, arguing, and rolling her eyes. She is giving every reason she can think of for why it would be ok for her to go.

Teen: “Why can’t you just let me live my life my way?”

Mom: “Because I said so. Trust me; I am doing this for you, not to you”

Teen: “You’re so mean! You don’t understand me! I don’t care; I’m going. You can’t stop me.”

Both turn and stare expectantly at me as if I am to tell them they are right and the other one is wrong.

Mom feels justified as she is establishing her role as the authority/the parent and trying to show Teen that she does know what it is like and doesn’t want Teen to fall into the same traps/setbacks she did when she was a teen.

Teen only hears mom dictating her life. She feels trapped, alienated, and justified in not following orders because she is old enough to make her own decisions.

 

 

The battle of wills has started, and that, my friend, is a classic parent/teen power struggleTeen Power Struggle. So what exactly is a power struggle? It is a relationship dynamic where one person tries to exert their “power” or influence over another, who thus pushes back and tries to overpower the original. Think of it as kind of a tug-of-war over decision-making power.

Parents – an important thing to remember is that power struggles with teens are never a
positive thing. They create distance and hostility. If you win by rigidly holding your ground or overpowering your teen, you lose. Your “winning” can create teens who do not feel understood, supported, or protected by their parents. They feel powerless. Teens who feel powerless will often seek other outlets to gain power.

This can look like many different things: from defiance and non compliance, to belittling others around them, bullying, even engaging in risk-taking behaviors such as experimenting with drugs, alcohol, sex, running away, or self-harming behaviors.

 

 

The best course of action is to not get pulled into your teen’s attempts at engaging in power struggles. Remember, it takes two people for a power struggle to occur.  

Tips on Avoiding Power Struggles with Teens

  • Model Calmness – Taking a minute to self-regulate will made a big difference.Anger creates anger. Calm creates calm. If you find yourself getting worked up during a discussion with your teen, take a time-out for a breather and to re-regulate back to calm.
  • Remain Neutral – If a decision is not immediately needed, remain neutral and let them know you will consider it. Actually consider it, learn more about situation, and ask questions to show them you are being objective.
  • Help Teen Problem Solve – Help them think of both sides of the argument and the reasons why you might answer differently than they want.
  • Ignore Minor Behaviors – Pick and choose your battles. It is more important to help them regulate their emotions when dealing with disappointment than to reprimand and punish minor behaviors. If they need help managing disappointment, you can deflect, distract, or use humor. Know that some teens just need some space. You know your teen the best.

Teen Girl Dyed Hair

 

I know what you’re probably thinking, and I agree – this is easier said than done. It takes work. It takes practice. It takes self control. It takes patience. It sometimes takes a professional to help you, the parent, work through negative patterns with your teen that have been established to create better, healthier ways of communicating.

Stay tuned this week to continue to learn more tips and strategies in dealing with Teen Power Struggles. In the next part of our series, Part II “Let’s get Creative”, Putting Solutions Before the Problem, we will look at how to work with your teen on finding positive ways that their thoughts and actions can count. Until then…

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

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Lori Torres, LMFT

Lori Torres is a Marriage and Family Therapist who has worked with teens and their families for over five years. Do you want to work on your relationships with your teen? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping you create happier, healthier ways to communicate.

 980-349-8119

 

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES | 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211

PH: 980-349-8119

The Teen Years: A Roller Coaster of Emotions

Posted on by under Family/ Parenting, Teen

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What is typical teen behavior anyways?

Being a teenager is rough. Parenting a teenager is rough too. I have yet to meet a parent who was “fully” prepared for the teen years. You can read up, learn from others’ experiences, etc., but until you experience it with your own teen, there is no amount of prep that will get you fully ready. Typically, teen years are hands down the hardest years, and each generation of teen has their own challenges. Ask any adult, and they most likely will have a story about their teen years and the struggles they went through.

teen-girlThere are a lot of expectations of teens these days. Expectations of success are even higher now than for teens of previous generations. There is a need to excel in advanced topics of science, technology, and mathematics, as well as being well-rounded individuals with other varied interests. On top of all of that, the expectations to think and act like the “adults” they are becoming. Children and teens have the innate desire to make the people they care about happy, and they thus internalize these expectations. Unhealthy thought patterns may begin to emerge, such as, “No one understands me,” “Things never go my way,” or, “I can’t do anything right.” Teens also experience the Tidal Wave of Emotions that accompanies their developmental changes.

When your teen is struggling with the Tidal Wave of Emotions, unhealthy thought patterns, and an inability to clearly communicate their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, this oftentimes leads to family conflicts, problems with school or peers, poor decision making, depression, anxiety, and defiant and disruptive behaviors. This is also the time period when they are at risk of being introduced to drugs, alcohol, sexual activity, and other risk-taking behaviors. All this on top of the typical stressors of transitioning into adulthood and preparing to leave home can be a lot to manage, even for the most prepared teens.

Signs of teens struggling to cope with increased life stressors can include: anxiety, depression, being more irritable that usual, poor school performance, and/or complete avoidance of school.

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When does getting professional help make sense? Here are some things to consider:

  • It is typical for teens to display some mood swings or irritability when stressed, angry, or experiencing big changes like the start of new school year. It is of concern when irritability is pervasive, or ongoing, despite positive events or things in their life.
  • It is typical for teens to increasingly want their space and privacy. It is of concern is when teens completely withdraw and demonstrate poor connections to family, school, and/or peers.
  • It is typical for teen to catch a cold about 4-5 times per year. It is of concern if you notice that your teen has frequent somatic complaints, such as stomachaches, headaches, or not feeling well — that cannot be explained by illness. This can be stress related and a sign of struggling to cope.
  • It is typical for teens to feel overwhelmed. It is of concern when it leads to avoidance of school or other activities they once enjoyed, or making poor decisions that could have serious consequences.

How Therapy Helps Teens therapy-for-teens

Therapy helps by giving teens strategies and techniques to cope with life stressors and learn to “surf” the waves of big emotions, in a safe, private way; away from the eyes of peers and pressures of typical teen life. Therapy can help teens think critically about choices they are making, evaluate their strengths, areas for growth and development, and help empower them to create unique solutions to their own problems.

Therapy can assist teens in practicing and implementing self control by stopping to think about their actions and replacing unhealthy thought patterns with healthier ones. Lastly, therapy can increase their communication skills, which can make them more assertive and improve on their confidence and self-esteem.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have over 5 years experience working with children, adolescents/teens, and their families. In my work with teens, I use systemic theory to guide treatment. In this approach, I recognize that each teen has unique “systems” that surround them, such as family, friends, and other important figures and organizations, which play a significant role in the development teens. I work collaboratively with the teen’s systems to address behaviors, interactional patterns, and ways to support change and positive development. This assists in building stronger relationships with the loved ones in their lives and creating happier, healthier teens.

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

 

Looking for help for your teenager in managing life and teen stressors? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping your family. 980-349-8119

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES | 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211

PH: 980-349-8119

Hello World! Its Me!

Posted on by under Young Adults

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Hello World! It Me!  

You checked off all the right boxes: you graduated high school, when to a good college, and then what? What if the interviews didn’t go as planned? What happens if life doesn’t go as you planned? Young adults more often are struggling with making their mark in the world. Some are struggling to launch, others are not sure they are even on the right path.

It is said, nothing worth doing is easy. No one ever told you that life was going to be easy.interview Though, if you think about it, not many people told you that it was going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Nevertheless, I think it is safe to say, that LIFE is somewhere in between the two. 

Life has it ebbs and flow of struggles, but it also has ebbs and flow of joy, happiness, and positive experiences. Growing up is hard to do. For many, it takes a long period of time to find our “true self” and to be comfortable in our own skins. That is okay! It is the path, the journey, what makes us who we are.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

― Theodore Roosevelt

Oftentimes people get hung up on expectations of themselves. This is seen most frequently in young adulthood. Where teens are turning into adults and expected to be adults and “productive members of society”. They are expected to get jobs, move out of the house, make good decisions, and be financially stable. However, what you do not see is that the average college graduate is 22 years old. At 22 years old, their brains are still developing.

Our brains do not typically reach full maturity until around 25 years old. Our prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part, is still developing. This area is responsible for decision making. Does this mean that making good decisions are impossible? Absolutely not! There are many who are successful, but the point is it takes work. High expectations of success can be a wonderful driving force, but there needs to be a balance.

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and             beginning the work of becoming yourself”
– Anna Quindlen

Self-Compassion can go very far during this time period and help you manage what can be a very stressful time. Self-Compassion is a multifaceted idea that starts with acknowledging where you are at. It means doing an honest critique, looking at both positives and negatives, and not being overly critical of yourself. Self-Compassion is being supportive and understanding of yourself, recognizing you are doing the best you can in the given situation. Lastly, self compassion is recognizing you are human; we make mistakes, and we all experience struggles in life.

Self-Compassion builds resilience, or the ability to bounce back, helping you face and overcome future challenges. Brené Brown speaks to “Cultivating Self-Compassion” in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection. She speaks to the “difference between healthy striving and perfectionism”. Healthy striving helps; perfectionism hinders and is often the path to “depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis (or opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect).”

No matter your age, recognize that while you may think you are “behind in the game” or “in the struggle to just get by”, you are exactly right where you need to be at that moment. You are doing the best you can, and you will figure it out if you have the will/motivation to. But right now, you have something to learn and something to grow from where you are, no matter what is going on in your life.

It may often feel like we are stumbling our way through the motions at this age, hoping no one notices our trips and falls. I will let young adults in on a secret; there are many adults, guaranteed some older than you, who are still learning the steps too. As long as you are physically safe and breathing, there really is no wrong way of being.

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

hello-world

Struggling with life’s journey and transitions? Hoping to enhance your life and your relationships? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping you become a happier, healthier you 980-349-8119

 

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES| 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211

PH: 980-349-8119

Power of Nature on Big Emotions

Posted on by under Self Care, Therapy

 

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Power of Nature on Big Emotions

Nature is a powerful healing force for mental health concerns. Feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, or angry? Struggling with intrusive or repetitive thoughts? Nature can help ease these emotions and their effects. Unfortunately, it will not completely “cure” these mental health concerns. Oftentimes, treating mental health is a process that requires work, support, and therapy over time.  

Nature offers us a temporary refuge or escape. Nature presents its calming peaceful presence, asking for nothing in return. Nature gives no judgment. Nature provides us with time for reflection. Lastly, Nature leaves us feeling rejuvenated, renewed, re-energized by connecting you to the world around you.

“Nature presents its calming peaceful presence, asking for nothing in return.”

Nature can be amazing on its own, or you can utilize it for a powerful, experiential grounding exercise. Grounding is a helpful technique often used in therapy to bring you into the present, or the “here-and-now”. It works by switching the focus of your brain from internal struggles towards the external environment.  Grounding can be beneficial when working on managing big emotions such as anxiety, depression, anger, or emotional pain.

pace-of-nature-emerson

Nature Physical Grounding Exercise

It this exercise, you will need to place yourself in nature, somewhere that you will feel comfortable. A local park, nature preserve, hiking trail, beach, or even a nice backyard on a pretty day. You will focus your thoughts on becoming attuned to your  5 senses: sight, sound, feel, smell, and taste. You will need to keep your eyes open to stay in touch with the present and your surroundings. You are highly encouraged to walk around a bit and explore, if you feel comfortable.

Start by making a list of what your senses experience. It can be a mental list, no need to write it down.

Sights: Nature provides many gorgeous sights: the green of nature, the deep blue of a clear sky, smiling faces, couples sharing moments, mothers introducing their babies to the world, a lone traveler deep in thought, a driven runner focused and in sync with their rhythm and pace.

Sounds: Wind rustling in the trees and leaves, lapping of waves crashing on the shoreline, occasional song of distant birds, hum of an overhead plane or the constant of traffic on a nearby road, children laughing.

Feel: Warmth of the sun on your face, softness of the blades of grass underneath your feet, feel of sand in between your toes, the crunch of leaves, acorns, and mulch under your shoes.

Smell: Crispness of the fresh air, highly recognizable smell of saltwater at the beach, delicious aroma of a nearby food cart.

 Taste: Savor and enjoy the taste a special snack, piece of candy, or chocolate, or a picnic in the park. Okay, so you may need to plan ahead a bit for taste…unless you want to taste the grass and leaves, but I don’t recommend it! You can leave this step out completely – that is okay too!)

 Pro Tips to make this grounding exercise more effective:

  • Practice makes perfect. The more often you practice, the better you will get at grounding.
  • Practice for longer time periods. While this can be a quick 5-15 minute exercise, try to aim for 25+ minutes if time and comfort levels allow.
  • There is no right or wrong way to practice this exercise. Do not judge yourself during this exercise; this is reverting to internal and not focusing on external.

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While this might not be the right approach for everyone, it is helpful to so many more. If it didn’t work for you, don’t give up! Sometimes the awkwardness of the first time gets in the way. I encourage you to try it once more. Then, if it still doesn’t work, that is okay. Sometime people are not in a “safe place” emotionally for stillness. There are many other strategies, techniques, and tools that may work better. A therapist or counselor can help you identify and put into use alternative coping skills to manage big emotions.

I am speaking from my own personal experiences, my training’s, and my work with my clients. While I am not able to tell you the exact science behind why it works, if you look at art and writings you will see the reoccurring motifs of nature being connected to healing, our emotions, and soul. There is something to be said for what we feel but cannot be described in words.

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

power-of-nature-on-big-emotions

Looking for help in managing your big emotions? Hoping to enhance your life and your relationships? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping you become a happier, healthier you 980-349-8119

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES | 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211
PH: 980-349-8119

 

ISO: Happiness

Posted on by under Change, Self Care, Therapy

iso-happiness2

In Search Of: Happiness. Have you ever heard someone say that they just want to be happy? Have you ever felt this way? Or maybe you are in search of: substitute another major life change or goal that you wanted to make for happiness. Let us take a closer look into the art of change and help you get a few steps closer towards accomplishing your goals.

What does “happiness” or your goal mean to you?

This is the first step: defining what your goal looks like to you. Be an investigative reporter and look into yourself. Investigate the Who, What, When, Where and Whys. Who can help? When does this need to be completed by? Why do you need to change? What specifically will you be doing differently? What will it sound like? What will you look like? Ask yourself these questions to make the image of your goal as defined and concrete as possible. That way you will have a clear idea of what you’re working towards!

What is in your way of accomplishing your goals?

The second step is identifying what is keeping you from that goal. What do you need to obtain your goal? Are you getting in your own way? Are you the one putting up walls or barriers? Sometimes self-doubt can be the biggest barrier of them all. Are you measuring yourself fairly? Sometimes we are comparing ourselves to others, when it is not very fair to compare our chapter 1 to their chapter 20.  By identifying what is keeping you from your goal, you will have a clear idea of what you’re working against! (P.S. – if you haven’t figured out, 66.66% of it is most likely you, your mindset, and barriers you have placed there, either real or imagined)

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What is your plan to meet your goal?

The third and most important step is to identifying a plan. How are you going to get what you need to address the barriers? How are you going to implement more of what you should be doing?  Often times, breaking down a task, especially one as big and abstract as “Happiness”, is essential. How can you break your task up into small manageable chunks? I’m talking baby steps here, folks! Just a small step that will take about 5-15 minutes of a time commitment each day.

Once you gain momentum, you can increase the time commitment towards your goal; however, be kind to yourself. When you are just starting on the journey to change, sometimes 5-15 minutes that is all the mental capacity we have left at the end of the day to devote towards a goal. Meet yourself where you are at and take it one step at a time.

Remember change and growth is a process.

Change will not happen overnight. If the drive and motivation to change is there, congratulations, you’ve already started on your journey and taken the first steps. Find ways to hold yourself accountable, be it a journal or a trusted friend.

It is important to note, some days making a change will come very easy. Other days, change will be slow, deliberate, and possibly taxing. Do not give up! The more you work towards it, the more you will get out of your investment of time, effort, and energy.

Lastly, never be afraid to ask for help. There are friends, family, or even professionals like therapists or counselors who are trained in helping you overcome your life struggles. There is no problem too big, or too small, to seek professional help. Seeking out help is an act of courage and recognizing that sometimes an unbiased third party may help give you the tools to become unstuck and offer new strategies to manage life’s struggles.

Best Wishes,

Lori Torres, LMFT

Looking for help in your journey towards Happiness? Hoping to enhance your life and your relationships? Call today for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if I might be of further assistance in helping you become a happier, healthier you 980-349-8119

iso-happiness2

 

TOWERS COUNSELING SERVICES | 120 GREENWICH ROAD CHARLOTTE, NC 28211
PH: 980-349-8119